Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
