Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
