Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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