Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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