Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me