i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
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Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
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Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale