I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
