I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
