don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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