Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
