Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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