the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
