I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
