sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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