My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
