HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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