Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
