I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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