Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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