My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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