Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
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Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
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Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He? As in you personified your dick?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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