He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
