so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
