***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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