Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
