His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
