I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
