I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish you could order shots online.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
