i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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