I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
