spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
