I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
