I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
