You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
