Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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