All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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