There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
