Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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