I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Me too!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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