i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
