Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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