my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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