im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
