Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
