Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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