I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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