I think I died a long time ago.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
