Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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