I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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