My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
