We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think i got beer on your cat.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
