I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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