my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
