Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
