I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
