I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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