I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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