I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
