I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
