I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
