I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
