just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
