Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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