he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
